How To Love An Introvert

i read an article recently called 'how to love an introvert.' it definitely applies to romantic relationships, but i think it can just as easily be applied to friendships and family-ships as well.  i've copied the whole thing below, but the points that really stuck out for me are the following:

"Be quiet... Sometimes, quiet is needed." 

this sentence, including what i've left out with the ellipsis, hits the nail right on the head, as it were.  while sometimes (most of the time?) i like listening to music, watching tv, or chatting, at other times the best sound in the world is silence.  just... nothing.  it's kind of hard to put the feeling into words.  it's not that i don't want to talk to YOU, it's that i don't want to talk.  or listen.  or watch.  the best way to describe it is that sometimes it feels like my brain just. can't. anymore.  it can't handle any more stressors, it can't handle any more input, good or bad.  it just can't.  in those times, the only thing i need to be able to think or hear is nothing.  just peaceful, relaxing silence.

"If they [the introvert] feel that they can just be themselves around you (and not placate everyone in the room with some overblown song-and-dance routine of “look at how social I am”), you will have already won."

i have heard in so many different settings, from so many different people, various phrasings of the question, "Hey, are you OK?" because for most people, not talking = not happy.  for me, this is not necessarily true.  if i'm not talking, there could be several reasons: 1. i don't know everyone and therefore i am just not comfortable enough to engage yet. 2. i am content to just sit back and observe my friends' antics and listen to the conversation. 3. the group is simply too big for me to insert myself into the conversation. big groups are overwhelming.  4. something actually is wrong.

whatever the reason is, the point here is that just because i'm not talking doesn't necessarily imply that i'm unhappy.  in fact, more often than not it is *because* i am comfortable enough with you that i feel like i can remain quiet without judgement.  unless it's #4. in that case, good luck!

i realize, at this point, that *some* of you may be asking yourself, "brigit? quiet??" and to that i respond that i am equal parts quiet and, um, not quiet. (woah, take a minute to just let that sink in... it was PROFOUND.)  i guess what i mean is that if i am comfortable enough to be quiet around you, i am probably also comfortable enough to be silly or goofy or whatever around you.

"Do not force them to engage in constant activities which you believe will make them a more “well-rounded” person... you must clear your mind of the idea that someone is automatically a better and more whole person if they go out more."

this is actually something that i do to myself more than anyone else/society does to me.  i think i frequently (and often unconsciously) try to conform to society's extrovert norms.  i volunteer for things i don't really want to do, i sign up for trainings that i have little interest in, i participate in activities that i don't really care about, and i go to events that i don't really want to go to, all with the hope that somehow doing these things will make me better than i was beforehand.  it's like i'm trying, and constantly failing, to beat the introvert out of me in order to fit into this extrovert-y world in which i live.  i even go to social events (with granger/friends!) that i don't want to go to because i tell myself i "should."

of course i want to better myself - it's why i got a BA and an MA, after all - and there is always room for continued personal improvement, but i also wish i could just be content with who i am.  i wish could convince myself that i'm already "good enough" - or at least that no training/activity is going to "fix" me.  but instead, i have a steady list of things that i *should* do, and i pretty much always feel the pressure of this list.

"Expect there to be times when what you consider a “normal” amount of socializing proves to be too much in a way that is difficult to empathize with."

granger probably takes the brunt of this one... after a certain amount of time spent socializing, i am just done. like, DONE done.  i want to leave.  i want to go home.  it's not that i wasn't enjoying myself. it's not that i didn't have a good time.  i probably had a great time.  it's just that i'm done now and can we please go home?

here's the article in full:

How To Love An Introvert

Be quiet. And that doesn’t mean that you are no longer expected to share your feelings and tell jokes and engage in conversation — it just means be quiet. Sometimes, quiet is needed. Learn to appreciate what quiet can be for people. Learn how two people can sit on different sides of the room, silently engaging in their own activities, and still achieve a profound sense of closeness. Understand that sometimes they will need their alone time, but that often it can be supplemented with that sense of empathetic quiet. If they feel that they can just be themselves around you (and not placate everyone in the room with some overblown song-and-dance routine of “look at how social I am”), you will have already won.

Teach yourself that the association we’ve always held with the introverted and the pathologically anti-social — the people who are supposedly incapable of enjoying the company of others and thus retreat into themselves — is a faulty one. Yes, someone can need quiet time by themselves to recharge from a day’s activities, but that by no means implies a deeper level of anxiety or disdain for those around them. Work to rid yourself of the stereotypes and misplaced mockery that has been lobbed at your beloved introvert since the first day they entered kindergarten and realized just how much they needed nap time after a few hours of working in groups. Realize that wanting to have those few minutes of “nap time,” the moments of recharging and calm, have nothing to do with wanting to escape you — they are only intended to make spending more precious time with you all the more pleasant.

Do not force them to engage in constant activities which you believe will make them a more “well-rounded” person. While there are always compromises to be made in terms of events which are important to show up to or people who are worth making effort for, you must clear your mind of the idea that someone is automatically a better and more whole person if they go out more. Understand that, just because we have gotten used to bars and parties and trips out on the town as our leisure activity of choice on the weekend, does not mean that everyone finds it as universally cathartic. Find the balance between going out and staying in which feels comfortable for everyone.

Enjoy the rich inner life that can often only reveal itself when an introvert has met someone with whom they feel unfailingly comfortable and open. Realize that there are so many people for whom their thoughts and ideas are presented in the tiniest tip of a social iceberg, and that you happen to be in love with one of them yourself. Spend days, weeks, years plotting out the various points of the massive presence which lives just below the surface in their mind, and feel the profound privilege bestowed on you to be the person with whom they have decided to share everything they’re normally not inclined to reveal.

Expect there to be difficulties of understanding. Expect there to be times when what you consider a “normal” amount of socializing proves to be too much in a way that is difficult to empathize with. But prepare yourself to love this person regardless of the minor inconveniences that love might present. Because the love you share with someone that other, less deserving minds would deem “shy” or “weird” is something that is offered up every day, something that takes effort and conscious compromise on their part. For an introvert, letting someone into the small space which you have forever claimed as your own to protect your most basic needs of comfort is a huge risk. And they love you for having taken it. Never forget to show them that you love them back, and that you’re more than happy to let them be alone with their tea for a little bit if that’s what they need to do most.

animals are pretty much the bees knees

there are few things in this world that can bring me to tears faster than hearing about/seeing animal abuse/neglect or coming across a story of an animal protecting its owner/mourning its deceased owner.  granger learned early on in our relationship that if we were watching tv together and the ASPCA commercial featuring sarah mclaughlin came on (with "arms of an angel" playing in the background), he should immediately change the channel before they could show pictures of emaciated, abused, or neglected animals.  otherwise, tears. lots of tears.  he now has a Pavlovian-like response whenever he hears "...in the aaaaaarrrrrmmmmssss of an angel, may you fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiind some comfort here..." - he quite literally dives for the remote.

i can't think of an eloquent way to put it, so i'll just say it like this: animals are awesome.  domestic pets show incredible loyalty to their people on a daily basis, and in times of emergency, some pets go way above and beyond to protect their people.  just think of the story of gus leaping onto the narrow top of a 3 foot high fence to protect the construction workers in my parents' backyard from an oncoming rottweiler.  knowing gus, who, while completely loveable, was lacking in the grace and brains department, this feat was quite astonishing.  and then there are other stories of animals that are even more incredible.  i challenge you: just try reading about these amazing animals who have saved lives, these loyal dogs, these elephants who mourned their caretaker, Hawkeye the labrador, or Patrick the pit bull without getting a little bit choked up.  it's impossible.

timeline of important events in my life

i don't remember what got me started on this, but a few weeks ago i was trying to remember how old i was when something happened. i couldn't remember off the top of my head, so i started making a list of my life events, and it morphed into this:

(*family - if you remember more specific dates or if i'm wrong on a year, let me know!*)

sometime in 1985 - mom tells dad she's pregnant, dad responds, "Oh, shit!" (He *claims* that he was referring to the prospect of another decade of hosting kid birthday parties... suuuuuure, dad!!!)
Nov 20, 1985 - BORN DAY - the bestest of days!!!
sometime in the summer of 1986 - started walking, enjoying sunrises (mom and dad presumably respond, "Oh, shit!")
Memorial Day Weekend 1988 - moved from 3812 Calvert St to 4333 Yuma St
Fall 1989 - started elementary school
summer 1993 - RV trip around Nevada
summer 1995 - trip to St. John's (USVI) 
1995/6 (?) - Pasha the dog dies, adopt Gus the dog
June 1997 - graduated elementary school
September 1997 - started junior high school
summer 1998 - traveled to England
summer 1999 - traveled to England/Scotland
June 2000 - graduated junior high school
summer 2000 - traveled to England/Ireland
September 2000 - started high school
August 2001 - traveled to Zambia
summer 2002 - traveled to Brazil
August 2002 - tore ACL
October 12, 2002 - Rob and Linda got married
May 1, 2003 - Joe and Griff were born
May 9, 2003 - ACL reconstruction surgery
June 2003 - graduated high school
July 4, 2003 - Lindsay and Rich got married
September 2003 - moved to Evanston, IL & started BA at Northwestern University
2003-2004 (freshman year) - lived in Elder Hall
June 7, 2004 - OLGB dies :(
2004-2005 (sophomore year) - lived in Allison Hall
summer 2005 - family trip to Russian River, CA
Sept-Dec 2005 (first quarter of junior year) - lived in Foster-Walker Complex
January-May 2006 - studied abroad in Seville, Spain
March 2006 - traveled to Italy and Morocco
April 2006 - traveled to Belgium, Sweden, England, and Portugal
April 18, 2006 - Jack was born
2006 - 2007 (senior year) - lived in Kemper Hall
June 2007 - graduated from Northwestern and moved back to 4333 Yuma St
June/July 2007 - family trip to Maine
August 13, 2007 - started working at TFAS as part time receptionist
September 25, 2007 - Gus the dog dies
November 1, 2007 - hired as full-time International Programs Assistant at TFAS
March (April?) - moved to 3726 Conn Ave
June 2008 - Kristine moves to DC
July/August 2008 - traveled to Greece (for work)
October 2008 - moved back to 4333 Yuma
Feb 1, 2009 - started dating Granger
June 2009 - moved to 3701 Mass Ave
June 2009 - family trip to Mexico
July 2009 - Kristine leaves DC
August 2009 - moved to 3619 S St
October 9, 2009 - Elise born
November 5-11 2009 - traveled to Hawaii (without ID...)
January 2010 - started MA at American University
August 23, 2010 - that stinky Zambian (Angelina? Angelique?) moves to DC
January 2011 - moved to 4413 Yuma St
February 2011 - moved to 4333 Yuma St
March 24, 2011 - tore meniscus
April 8, 2011 - got surgery on meniscus
May 22, 2011 - Granger deployed to Afghanistan
May 28, 2011 - Eric & Beth's dual bachelor/bachelorette parties in Denver
June 18, 2011 - Eric and Beth get married
July-August 2011 - traveled to Prague (for work) and Greece
October 10, 2011 - adopted Sadie the dog
December 21, 2011 - submitted final draft of SRP @ AU
December 22, 2011 - finished MA & graduated from American University
December 24, 2011 - Granger home from Afghanistan
April 13, 2012 - The Gramanator's 90th birthday party
July-August 2012 - traveled to Prague and Greece (for work)
September 2012 - moved to 2000 Baltimore Rd in Rockville
2013 - WHO THE HECK KNOWS

Final Score: 20 things

1. Finish knitting the scarf for my mom - FINALLY!!! only took me 7 years...
2. Get an awesome job that I love - i applied to i don't know how many jobs, got an interview for one (didn't get the job, though), didn't hear back from most. the process continues.
3. Learn how to coupon - i just didn't have the time or the energy to figure out the logistics of couponing. to get started i just need to figure out how to get like 10+ of those coupon insert thingys, then it shouldn't be too hard.
4. Practice my Spanish - i took a "what level of spanish are you?" quiz on the internet, and it said i was intermediate. so yeah, if the internet says...
5. Start learning French - i just need to start this one. i really want to learn french!
6. Travel to a foreign country i haven't visited yet - Turks and Caicos
7. Write poetry/fiction - i wrote some pretty lame haikus, but i'm counting them anyway!
8. Make something (scarf, quilt...) - yes, i AM counting finishing the scarf for my mom, and no, i don't think that's cheating,
9. Take pottery classes - this one was just too expensive for my current life stage
10. Take a class in photoshop - i was supposed to do this for work, but it just didn't happen in 2012
11. Get an apartment - :)
12. Make artwork for the apartment - see evidence here
13. Visit Annapolis - going there february 23-14, 2013 for work, but i didn't make it in 2012
14. Visit Monica in Charlottesville - i visited caroline too! we went wine "tasting" :)
15. Visit a state I haven't been to before - still waiting to make it to kentuky or new jersey (woo...)
16. Volunteer at least 6 times - i really thought i was going to be able to make this goal, but i only managed to volunteer a total of 4 times (Kenilworth-Bandalong Litter Trap clean up, IONA house meal packaging, Marvin Gaye Park-Bandalong Litter Trap clean up, cleaning and doing maintenance at an orphanage outside of Prague)
17. Read at least 12 books for fun - this one, it turns out, was super easy since i really missed reading for fun in grad school. final tally: 34 books (The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, Mockingjay, The Missing Person's Guide to Love, Dracula, Pawn of Prophecy, Queen of Sorcery, Magician's Gambit, Castle of Wizardry, Enchanter's End Game, Guardians of the West, King of the Murgos, Demon Lord of Karanda, Sorceress of Darshiva, Wuthering Heights, The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, Tears of the Giraffe, Morality for Beautiful Girls, The Kalahari Typing School for Men, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, A Study in Scarlet, The Sign of the Four, The Hound of the Baskervilles, The Valley of Fear, Twenty-Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, Fifty Shades trilogy, A Game of Thrones, Stolen Fury, A Clash of Kings, A Storm of Swords, Silver Justice, The Devil All the Time, currently reading A Feast for Crows)
18. Consolidate, organize, and get rid of excess stuff
19. Pay off grad school loans - BOOYA!!! i'm $17,182.16 poorer, but at least i don't have to worry about it anymore
20. Lose 20 lbs (starting weight: 170; goal weight: 150) - i failed miserably at this one. i lost 15 pounds by July 2012, but in the second half of the year I gained it all back. i'm kicking myself now, but at least i know i CAN do it if i really set my mind to it. so, hello new-goal-for-2013!

so, 11/20 completed.  not too great, but it turns out that's a pretty standard completion rate for me.  maybe i'm aiming too high, maybe i just need to set easier (less expensive/time consuming) goals for myself???  like: brush my teeth every day, put clean laundry away within one week of washing it, eat daily...  i'll have to think about it before i make my next list.

artwork

after a trip to IKEA to buy the frames (among other things), i finally finished the artwork i have been working on for the apartment.  you may recognize my doodles - i've been doing them my whole life!

here's the final product:

(and for those keeping score, please note that this takes care of #12 on my '20 things to do in 2012' list)

happiness is...

...having just paid off your graduate school loans IN FULL less than ONE YEAR after completing your degree

*pats self on back

election day

i think obama's got this, but i'm still nervous!!!!  i just want this day/election to be over, for obama to have won it, and for the country to move on to bigger and better things.

and in the meantime, i want some wine!


UPDATE: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!