How To Love An Introvert

i read an article recently called 'how to love an introvert.' it definitely applies to romantic relationships, but i think it can just as easily be applied to friendships and family-ships as well.  i've copied the whole thing below, but the points that really stuck out for me are the following:

"Be quiet... Sometimes, quiet is needed." 

this sentence, including what i've left out with the ellipsis, hits the nail right on the head, as it were.  while sometimes (most of the time?) i like listening to music, watching tv, or chatting, at other times the best sound in the world is silence.  just... nothing.  it's kind of hard to put the feeling into words.  it's not that i don't want to talk to YOU, it's that i don't want to talk.  or listen.  or watch.  the best way to describe it is that sometimes it feels like my brain just. can't. anymore.  it can't handle any more stressors, it can't handle any more input, good or bad.  it just can't.  in those times, the only thing i need to be able to think or hear is nothing.  just peaceful, relaxing silence.

"If they [the introvert] feel that they can just be themselves around you (and not placate everyone in the room with some overblown song-and-dance routine of “look at how social I am”), you will have already won."

i have heard in so many different settings, from so many different people, various phrasings of the question, "Hey, are you OK?" because for most people, not talking = not happy.  for me, this is not necessarily true.  if i'm not talking, there could be several reasons: 1. i don't know everyone and therefore i am just not comfortable enough to engage yet. 2. i am content to just sit back and observe my friends' antics and listen to the conversation. 3. the group is simply too big for me to insert myself into the conversation. big groups are overwhelming.  4. something actually is wrong.

whatever the reason is, the point here is that just because i'm not talking doesn't necessarily imply that i'm unhappy.  in fact, more often than not it is *because* i am comfortable enough with you that i feel like i can remain quiet without judgement.  unless it's #4. in that case, good luck!

i realize, at this point, that *some* of you may be asking yourself, "brigit? quiet??" and to that i respond that i am equal parts quiet and, um, not quiet. (woah, take a minute to just let that sink in... it was PROFOUND.)  i guess what i mean is that if i am comfortable enough to be quiet around you, i am probably also comfortable enough to be silly or goofy or whatever around you.

"Do not force them to engage in constant activities which you believe will make them a more “well-rounded” person... you must clear your mind of the idea that someone is automatically a better and more whole person if they go out more."

this is actually something that i do to myself more than anyone else/society does to me.  i think i frequently (and often unconsciously) try to conform to society's extrovert norms.  i volunteer for things i don't really want to do, i sign up for trainings that i have little interest in, i participate in activities that i don't really care about, and i go to events that i don't really want to go to, all with the hope that somehow doing these things will make me better than i was beforehand.  it's like i'm trying, and constantly failing, to beat the introvert out of me in order to fit into this extrovert-y world in which i live.  i even go to social events (with granger/friends!) that i don't want to go to because i tell myself i "should."

of course i want to better myself - it's why i got a BA and an MA, after all - and there is always room for continued personal improvement, but i also wish i could just be content with who i am.  i wish could convince myself that i'm already "good enough" - or at least that no training/activity is going to "fix" me.  but instead, i have a steady list of things that i *should* do, and i pretty much always feel the pressure of this list.

"Expect there to be times when what you consider a “normal” amount of socializing proves to be too much in a way that is difficult to empathize with."

granger probably takes the brunt of this one... after a certain amount of time spent socializing, i am just done. like, DONE done.  i want to leave.  i want to go home.  it's not that i wasn't enjoying myself. it's not that i didn't have a good time.  i probably had a great time.  it's just that i'm done now and can we please go home?

here's the article in full:

How To Love An Introvert

Be quiet. And that doesn’t mean that you are no longer expected to share your feelings and tell jokes and engage in conversation — it just means be quiet. Sometimes, quiet is needed. Learn to appreciate what quiet can be for people. Learn how two people can sit on different sides of the room, silently engaging in their own activities, and still achieve a profound sense of closeness. Understand that sometimes they will need their alone time, but that often it can be supplemented with that sense of empathetic quiet. If they feel that they can just be themselves around you (and not placate everyone in the room with some overblown song-and-dance routine of “look at how social I am”), you will have already won.

Teach yourself that the association we’ve always held with the introverted and the pathologically anti-social — the people who are supposedly incapable of enjoying the company of others and thus retreat into themselves — is a faulty one. Yes, someone can need quiet time by themselves to recharge from a day’s activities, but that by no means implies a deeper level of anxiety or disdain for those around them. Work to rid yourself of the stereotypes and misplaced mockery that has been lobbed at your beloved introvert since the first day they entered kindergarten and realized just how much they needed nap time after a few hours of working in groups. Realize that wanting to have those few minutes of “nap time,” the moments of recharging and calm, have nothing to do with wanting to escape you — they are only intended to make spending more precious time with you all the more pleasant.

Do not force them to engage in constant activities which you believe will make them a more “well-rounded” person. While there are always compromises to be made in terms of events which are important to show up to or people who are worth making effort for, you must clear your mind of the idea that someone is automatically a better and more whole person if they go out more. Understand that, just because we have gotten used to bars and parties and trips out on the town as our leisure activity of choice on the weekend, does not mean that everyone finds it as universally cathartic. Find the balance between going out and staying in which feels comfortable for everyone.

Enjoy the rich inner life that can often only reveal itself when an introvert has met someone with whom they feel unfailingly comfortable and open. Realize that there are so many people for whom their thoughts and ideas are presented in the tiniest tip of a social iceberg, and that you happen to be in love with one of them yourself. Spend days, weeks, years plotting out the various points of the massive presence which lives just below the surface in their mind, and feel the profound privilege bestowed on you to be the person with whom they have decided to share everything they’re normally not inclined to reveal.

Expect there to be difficulties of understanding. Expect there to be times when what you consider a “normal” amount of socializing proves to be too much in a way that is difficult to empathize with. But prepare yourself to love this person regardless of the minor inconveniences that love might present. Because the love you share with someone that other, less deserving minds would deem “shy” or “weird” is something that is offered up every day, something that takes effort and conscious compromise on their part. For an introvert, letting someone into the small space which you have forever claimed as your own to protect your most basic needs of comfort is a huge risk. And they love you for having taken it. Never forget to show them that you love them back, and that you’re more than happy to let them be alone with their tea for a little bit if that’s what they need to do most.